The end of a bad day...

It is 1:40 AM and I can't seem to clear my mind enough to go to bed. Emma has had 3 really bad nights, tonight included, and I just laid her down to sleep after 4 solid hours of screaming and crying. She acts like she's starved half to death but she is eating 3 ounces every hour at times right now just to keep her satisfied. She won't eat more than 3 ounces at a feeding but in an hour, she is rooting, sucking on anything she can get in her mouth, and crying her "hungry cry". She just doesn't seem comfortable lately. So, I am going to sit down and catch up on my blog because in a short 40 minutes, I'm sure she will be screaming again. No sense in going to bed for 30 minutes of sleep. I'm afraid Mark is going to have to pull some all nighters with her this weekend so I can sleep for a few hours straight. During the week, he sleeps all night because he works all day. On the weekends, he takes one feeding and I take one. This weekend, he might have to take them both so I can get some sort of rest.

With all the exhaustion, the events of today did not help my mind to rest any...nor my heart! Right after lunch, I got a text from Mom saying that she had taken Winnie (our boxer) to the vet and they had put her down. In July, the vet diagnosed Winnie with lymphoma but said until she was in pain or having a hard time, she was okay. Winnie wasn't just ANY dog. She was one of my best friends. In fact, I have a picture frame that says Best Buddies and the picture is of me sitting in the floor with her laying next to me with her paw on my leg and her looking me in the eye. That picture isn't special just because it's of us but more so because of the timing of when it was taken. It was taken during a hard time in my life and my families life. As a senior in high school, I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disorder called Myasthenia Gravis. I wanted a dog so bad and so my parents suprised me one day with a boxer puppy...Winnie! My brother named her after Winchester rifles (I know, I know!) and she started her life with us. In our family, a dog is a member of the family just as everyone else. We have always had a dog and they always had the best life we could give them. Sometimes better than we ourselves had...;) So, there I was, with a dog I loved but also very sick. I had a serious surgery that was risky and came home much more sick than I ever had been. That summer after my senior year, it was touch and go and there were times when I couldn't do much for myself. I couldn't purse my lips around a straw or even a fork, couldn't raise my hands to wash my hair, couldn't even stand out of a car on some days. I endured lots of medications and treatment and was determined to not let this disease stop or hinder my life plans. As hard as that time was, I had a special friend with me through it all. Of course, my parents were by my side through everything and I couldn't have survived without their help and love but I had a friend who never left my side. That was Winnie. She was my buddy. She would just lay with me or put her front paws up on the couch where I was sitting and put her head behind my back and just be there touching me...telling me she wished I would get better. I went off to college and every time I came home, she was there, wagging her tail, jumping up and down, so excited to see me. During the time when I was sick, Winnie also made another close friend....my Dad. We have often said that Dad wouldn't had made it watching me be so sick and helpless had he not had Winnie to detour his energy to. They would spend hours in the backyard and if you listened, you would often hear him talking to her, just as if she was a human. Later in her life, Dad started taking her to McDonalds every Saturday morning and he would order a sausage biscuit with 2 patties....one for him and well, one for Winnie! She loved Mom too and although Mom used to say Winnie wouldn't let her love on her, there have been many times I've seen Winnie sit right next to Mom's recliner so Mom could pet her soft head and tell her how pretty she was. So now, Winnie is no longer here, no longer sufferring. And though that should give me peace, I can't be comforted just yet. I wish I had been there to tell her bye, to tell her how she made a extremely hard period in my life bearable, to tell her I simply love her! I sit here in tears and wonder if she knew how much she meant to us. Did we show her enough? It seems so funny to have all of these feeling about a dog! It's a dog that can't speak words out of their mouth but can love us unconditionally. I work around death every day in my job but nothing makes this any easier. She will be missed dearly and I will go home Sunday for the first time without my Winnie Moo being there to greet me at the door with her tail wagging, licking me to death, wiggling out of her skin...and I will be sad! Very sad!

As if I hadn't cried enough and been sad enough, poor Mom called again with more bad news. My granddads daughter, my step aunt, was found dead today in her home in Dallas. The cause is unclear and an autopsy is being performed now but regardless of the cause, it is sad and our hearts hurt. She had had a hard life but she was loved in the midst. My granddad is sad and that makes it that much harder. He is tearful and upset understandably. What do you say to comfort a parent on the loss of their child? As a parent now, I clearly ache for him knowing I would lay down and die if I lost Emma! Tomorrow we will know more after the autopsy results are in but I'm not sure it will give any ease to any of us. I pray my granddad can get some sleep tonight and Nana can stay calm enough to not get so frazzled until she can't breath, think, or function. I pray Debra is no longer hurting whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. We remember the good times we had!

And so there it is! We went to church tonight and I just sat and cried. I'm emotional enough being post-prego and I wouldn't have thought Winnie dying would have affected me so, but it devastated me and to top it off with Debra made it all so much worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...and every day after that will be easier as we miss the two we lost.

Kara

P.S. Good timing...Emma is screaming as we speak. A long night, this will be!

At the top is a picture of Winnie and Cash (our sweet boxer we lost a few years ago!)...Winnie is the one in the back!