The end of a bad day...

It is 1:40 AM and I can't seem to clear my mind enough to go to bed. Emma has had 3 really bad nights, tonight included, and I just laid her down to sleep after 4 solid hours of screaming and crying. She acts like she's starved half to death but she is eating 3 ounces every hour at times right now just to keep her satisfied. She won't eat more than 3 ounces at a feeding but in an hour, she is rooting, sucking on anything she can get in her mouth, and crying her "hungry cry". She just doesn't seem comfortable lately. So, I am going to sit down and catch up on my blog because in a short 40 minutes, I'm sure she will be screaming again. No sense in going to bed for 30 minutes of sleep. I'm afraid Mark is going to have to pull some all nighters with her this weekend so I can sleep for a few hours straight. During the week, he sleeps all night because he works all day. On the weekends, he takes one feeding and I take one. This weekend, he might have to take them both so I can get some sort of rest.

With all the exhaustion, the events of today did not help my mind to rest any...nor my heart! Right after lunch, I got a text from Mom saying that she had taken Winnie (our boxer) to the vet and they had put her down. In July, the vet diagnosed Winnie with lymphoma but said until she was in pain or having a hard time, she was okay. Winnie wasn't just ANY dog. She was one of my best friends. In fact, I have a picture frame that says Best Buddies and the picture is of me sitting in the floor with her laying next to me with her paw on my leg and her looking me in the eye. That picture isn't special just because it's of us but more so because of the timing of when it was taken. It was taken during a hard time in my life and my families life. As a senior in high school, I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disorder called Myasthenia Gravis. I wanted a dog so bad and so my parents suprised me one day with a boxer puppy...Winnie! My brother named her after Winchester rifles (I know, I know!) and she started her life with us. In our family, a dog is a member of the family just as everyone else. We have always had a dog and they always had the best life we could give them. Sometimes better than we ourselves had...;) So, there I was, with a dog I loved but also very sick. I had a serious surgery that was risky and came home much more sick than I ever had been. That summer after my senior year, it was touch and go and there were times when I couldn't do much for myself. I couldn't purse my lips around a straw or even a fork, couldn't raise my hands to wash my hair, couldn't even stand out of a car on some days. I endured lots of medications and treatment and was determined to not let this disease stop or hinder my life plans. As hard as that time was, I had a special friend with me through it all. Of course, my parents were by my side through everything and I couldn't have survived without their help and love but I had a friend who never left my side. That was Winnie. She was my buddy. She would just lay with me or put her front paws up on the couch where I was sitting and put her head behind my back and just be there touching me...telling me she wished I would get better. I went off to college and every time I came home, she was there, wagging her tail, jumping up and down, so excited to see me. During the time when I was sick, Winnie also made another close friend....my Dad. We have often said that Dad wouldn't had made it watching me be so sick and helpless had he not had Winnie to detour his energy to. They would spend hours in the backyard and if you listened, you would often hear him talking to her, just as if she was a human. Later in her life, Dad started taking her to McDonalds every Saturday morning and he would order a sausage biscuit with 2 patties....one for him and well, one for Winnie! She loved Mom too and although Mom used to say Winnie wouldn't let her love on her, there have been many times I've seen Winnie sit right next to Mom's recliner so Mom could pet her soft head and tell her how pretty she was. So now, Winnie is no longer here, no longer sufferring. And though that should give me peace, I can't be comforted just yet. I wish I had been there to tell her bye, to tell her how she made a extremely hard period in my life bearable, to tell her I simply love her! I sit here in tears and wonder if she knew how much she meant to us. Did we show her enough? It seems so funny to have all of these feeling about a dog! It's a dog that can't speak words out of their mouth but can love us unconditionally. I work around death every day in my job but nothing makes this any easier. She will be missed dearly and I will go home Sunday for the first time without my Winnie Moo being there to greet me at the door with her tail wagging, licking me to death, wiggling out of her skin...and I will be sad! Very sad!

As if I hadn't cried enough and been sad enough, poor Mom called again with more bad news. My granddads daughter, my step aunt, was found dead today in her home in Dallas. The cause is unclear and an autopsy is being performed now but regardless of the cause, it is sad and our hearts hurt. She had had a hard life but she was loved in the midst. My granddad is sad and that makes it that much harder. He is tearful and upset understandably. What do you say to comfort a parent on the loss of their child? As a parent now, I clearly ache for him knowing I would lay down and die if I lost Emma! Tomorrow we will know more after the autopsy results are in but I'm not sure it will give any ease to any of us. I pray my granddad can get some sleep tonight and Nana can stay calm enough to not get so frazzled until she can't breath, think, or function. I pray Debra is no longer hurting whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. We remember the good times we had!

And so there it is! We went to church tonight and I just sat and cried. I'm emotional enough being post-prego and I wouldn't have thought Winnie dying would have affected me so, but it devastated me and to top it off with Debra made it all so much worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...and every day after that will be easier as we miss the two we lost.

Kara

P.S. Good timing...Emma is screaming as we speak. A long night, this will be!

At the top is a picture of Winnie and Cash (our sweet boxer we lost a few years ago!)...Winnie is the one in the back!

4 weeks & tailgating

Emma is now 4 1/2 weeks old. I doesn't seem possible that it has been 4 1/2 weeks since she came into this world. This week was also Emma's original due date of Sept 12th! She was exactly 4 weeks early. I can't imagine being pregnant up until this week and miserable probably wouldn't come close to describe how I would be feeling.

I love watching her as she grows and develops her little personality. We already see some stubbornness shining through and I have no idea where she would have possibly gotten that from!! (wink, wink!) She is starting to focus a little better and is smiling in her sleep but not while she is awake yet. She is SO dramatic with her little hands and Mark thinks the cutest thing she does is when she sneezes and then makes a little whimper/sigh at the end....almost as if saying "Oh goodness, that was traumatic!". She is waking up about every 3 to 4 hours at night to eat and goes right back to sleep. Some nights...like the last 3...she has cried for much of the night. I think she is having tummy trouble so if it goes much longer, we will be going to the doctor I suppose. I don't want to be one of those "over obsessed" mothers but I don't want her uncomfortable or hurting either. She is definitely gaining weight and was at 6 lb 2 ounces last Wednesday! She is just a joy to have and Mark and I cannot get over how incredibly proud we are of her!

First family trip & 3 weeks old

This last was Labor Day weekend and Mark had Monday off so we decided this was a good time to take Emma to Kerrville to see Mark's grandparents. I was really nervous about taking a 3 week old baby on a 5 hour trip but she did amazing!

We left Friday at 7:30 and she woke up at 10:00 to eat so we stopped in Ballinger and fed her. She fell right back to sleep and at 12:30, we arrived in Kerrville in time for her to eat at 1:00 AM. I couldn't believe how well she did. I did learn how much is involved with travelling with a baby however. We decided to take Mark's truck for more room and we sure are glad we did. We had that back seat completely packed full with diaper bags, feeding things, suitcases, boppy, pack 'n plays, etc. It took me all week to make sure we were all ready to leave on Friday and I still worried the whole way there that I had forgotten something. Luckily, I didn't forget a thing and we had everything we needed.

We spent Saturday hanging out with Mark's grandparents, went to the fire station and saw some of Mark's friends/co-workers, saw Jenni, and that night went and spent some time with Larry & Kenda. Saturday Emma turned 3 weeks old and we cannot believe how fast time has gone already. She has changed so much in this short time and we can't picture life without her. The joy she brings to our lives is immeasurable.

Sunday we went to church, took a nap that afternoon, and then went to San Antonio with Pinky that evening and ate at Sushi Zushi! We stuffed our faces with sushi and enjoyed being with Pinky and laughing a lot!

Monday, I took Emma to my old job and showed her off to everyone. We then started the task of packing up and we hit the road home. It was so nice to go and see everyone and especially spend time with Memaw and Pawpaw but it sure was nice to be back home in our own surroundings! I'm not sure what's more work, packing or unpacking. ;)

Today we are back to normalcy! Mark went to work early this morning and Emma and I ran some errands and now she is sleeping soundly. I look at her and just smile. I never get tired of just staring at her! And my favorite part of the day is when Mark comes home and he holds her and talks to her and she just stares at him! She is a daddy's girl for sure and he is smitten! I love to watch them!

2 weeks old!

Emma is 2 weeks old already and I can't help but get her newborn pictures taken! She's too sweet and cute not to! They change so much in the first year and I don't want to ever forget any part of it! We took her to the doctor again and she is almost back to her birth weight. She weighs 5.3 and has grown to 19 inches now. She is such a good baby and although I talk about sleepless nights, I know those are normal and I can't complain about her! Mark and I look at her and wonder how we ever deserved such an amazing thing! Brianna (my best friend) went with Emma and I to get her pictures taken and it sure was a lot of help. Emma got pretty cranky after they got her naked and made her cold. I was cold in there and I was fulling clothed. Poor baby! She did great other up until then though! Here they are and I hope you enjoy as much as we are!

Catching up! Home with a new baby!

So much has happened since my last post and I will do my best to cover everything.

First and foremost, our precious baby girl, Emma Grace Copeland, entered this world on August 15, 2009. She weighed 5 lb 4 oz and was 17 1/2 inches long. I labored from Thursday @ 3PM till Saturday @ 2PM, when I finally told Dr. Owen, "I'm tired! How much longer will it take?", to which she answered, "It could be a long time. Things are moving really slow and you may not progress enough to deliver." That was all I needed to hear. We were exhausted and we just want to meet our sweet baby. So, off we went to the OR and at 4:08PM, Emma was born by c-section. She was 4 weeks early but they were unable to stop my labor and so she came early...probably the last time she will ever be early again since she is MY child. The c-section went just fine and was so much easier than I anticipated. People make it sound so horrific but it went amazingly well. I'll be the first to tell anyone to go for the c-section!

We came home from the hospital on Monday, with Emma weighing 4.14 and my Mom stayed with us for a week. It was so nice to have her here to help with Emma, to cook, clean, wash bottles, etc. There were nights when I was up with Emma a lot and Mom would just sit with us and keep us company through the night. On Thursday we took Emma to her pediatrician for her first office visit. Her weight was down to 4.10 and she was pretty yellow with jaundice. They drew her levels and reported to us later that afternoon that her level was 19.7. Dr. Landry said that at 20, she would need to be admitted to NICU for blood transfusions. To keep the level from increasing any more, they informed us that home health would be coming to the house to set up a bilirubin light for Emma to lay on until her levels came down to a safe level of 10 or less. When they walked in with that light, I immediately thought, "This is never going to work." Emma hates being cold and she had to be naked on the light. They also wanted her arms strapped in these sleeves and Emma's little arms move constantly up by her face. My anxiety (that was already through the roof) became much greater. I knew we had to do it to keep her home and out of the hospital but I knew the next few days were going to be hard and trying. I was right! However, it was harder and more trying on myself that ever on Emma....thank God! Emma did great on the light. She would just lay there and sleep the entire time. She had to be on the light 20 out of 24 hours a day so that meant no more holding and cuddling her, etc. As long as I live, I will never forget getting on my knees next to her pack 'n play, where the light was, and holding her hand and just crying and crying. Never had I felt so helpless in all my life. My baby was sick and I just wanted to make it better or at least hold and console her. But I couldn't do that. Mark came home from work while I sat there crying and he took one look at me and realized there was nothing he could say. I swear, that man is truly wise and knows when it is best to say nothing at all. He just put his hand on my back and kissed the top of my head and we just sat there for a long time looking at her. Before the night was over, Mark, my mom, and I, had all cried enough tears to last awhile. As I laid in bed that night, I thought about how that was the first time for me to hold her hand through a hard time BUT it would NOT be the last. I wondered what exactly would come our way in the coming years. No one knows that but God and I have to trust that He will see us through any trial he allows to happen in our lives. Thankfully, God DOES answer prayer, and two days after being on the light, Emma's level was down to 9.6 and she was allowed to come off. I failed to mention, my dad (Emma's grandpa) came to Lubbock on that Friday and decided that he needed to be here to take her on walks every couple hours to increase her exposure to sunlight. Mark's parents (Emma's MeMe and Pops) were all the way in Colorado thinking and praying for her and us. With all of us together, Emma's condition improved quickly and we were all so grateful!

My mom went home on Saturday and boy, was it hard! In that week, my mom's voice had resonated in my head saying "Kara, some day your will understand how much we love you!" She was right! I now realized and appreciated more than ever, her and my Dad's love for my brother and I. All of the things they did for us, the sacrifices they made, the life they provided, meant so much more now that I had a child of my own. So, she went home to Clovis and she cried the whole way home and I went and took a bath crying a good hour myself.

On Sunday, we went to Clovis for Mom's birthday and she was able to show her off to all their friends at church. That evening we came home and Mark's mom arrived for the next week. She was so helpful, kept my house clean, washed bottle and dishes, did laundry, and of course, held Emma Grace so much. For some reason, these grandparents can't keep their hands off of her! LOL! She left on Saturday and once again, her and I cried and Mark just looked at us like we were silly. However, I know he is so grateful and appreciative for her coming and helping us out. It's hard with MeMe & Pops being so far away. Hopefully, that'll change in the next few years.

For the 2 weeks after coming home from the hospital, our Bible class at church had signed up to bring us dinner every night. They will NEVER know how wonderful that was. Our life changed so fast and sudden and I was not really prepared at the moment so we came home to not many groceries. I had her on Saturday and on Monday, Mark began with the Lubbock Fire Dept and needed to take his lunch every day. WELL, thank goodness for left overs from dinner each night. Not only did it feed us dinner, but it fed him lunch the next day! We are so blessed to be a part of such an awesome group and I look forward to the opportunity to pay them back in the future.

Our quiet 4th of July!!!

Happy 4th of July!!! Mark and I debated about how to spend our day today and decided to just relax and take it easy for once. Seems like every weekend we have something going on and it would be nice to just have nothing to do for once. Of course, there is always something that needs to be done here at the house but it's a holiday, right? We slept in really late, got up and made oatmeal, cinnamon sugar toast, and apple juice, then came back to bed and watched TV, except that we all 3 (Bella included) fell asleep again. So, about 2:30 we finally got up and attempted to go swimming because I thought it would feel good to get Emma floating and some pressure off these hips. As soon as we got ready to walk out the door, it started lightening and thundering. It must be a sign, I thought. So, we called off the swimming idea and went to Lowe's instead. We have a chest that we are going to sand and paint for Emma's room, so we bought some sandpaper and got some paint color swatches. We got back home and Mark cooked out some pork chops on his new grill (for Father's Day) and they were DELICIOUS!!!! Pork chops, baked potato, mac n' cheese, fruit salad....doesn't get any better than that. We cleaned the kitchen and off to the movies we went. We saw "The Proposal" and were both impressed at how good it actually was....entertaining for sure! After we got out, it was dark and so we drove aournd town looking at fireworks. Next year we will know to just go park south of town on a dirt road and there is a firework show going on in every direction you can see. Now we lay in bed, a laptop in each of our laps, and a black and white spoiled dog laying right between us.....oh, and I better not leave out Miss Emma Grace....she is kicking and turning and stretching and causing me great comfort (rolling eyes)....lol! SO, as I reflect back on our 4th of July for 2009, I must say it was quiet and yet, completely satisfying! Couldn't really ask for more!

6 months and counting...

Well, I am 27 weeks pregnant now and I haven't posted much in a while so I'll give a quick update and post some new pictures. Emma is growing fast and we are getting anxious and excited to meet her. Even though pregnancy is not my choice of ways to spend much of my life, she is going to be such a blessing to us and our families. I keep reminding myself that all of this torture, misery, and complications will all be worth it when we can finally hold her in our arms. Between the stomach "distress"for the first 4 months, indigestion that keeps me up all night, anemia that requires supplemental iron intake, emotions that change rapidly and dramatically, there is a baby girl who kicks all the time and makes me smile each time. I can already see her personality shining through as she kicks me consistently if there is anything on my belly (seat belt, arm resting, etc.) until that is moved. That is HER belly and nothing needs to be touching it! ;) When it's sonogram time, she won't be still long enough for them to see much and getting her to stay in one place to hear the heartbeat for longer than 1 second, forget it! She's way too busy to sit still. We love her so much already! Her daddy talks to her all the time and I sing to her! We cannot wait to see who she looks like, what her cry sounds like, to hear her laugh the first time, to hear the quesitons she will ask as she grows up before our eyes. We pray everyday for the guidance to raise our Emma to do what's right. We pray we do the right things, say the right things, and when we mess up, for we know we will, we pray He forgives us.